Anatomy of The Christmas Shoes, Revisited (Yet Again)

This is the sixth Christmas season for Greenlee Gazette, amazing as that seems to me. And though this year I haven't heard it yet, every other year, I couldn't escape the worst Christmas song in history.  It isn't possible to inflict enough derision upon the now perennial The Christmas Shoes. It's abysmal. It's horrific. It deserves far more crap flung at it than has ever been flung. So here is my effort, from the early days of the blog, to put this lame-ass song in its place. This post has appeared on the blog each of the last five years. This year, I present it again, with a few additions and changes. . .




As you head into your holidays, you are undoubtedly going to be assaulted by Christmas carols somewhere. And if you're like me, you will unwittingly overhear The Christmas Shoes by NewSong, one of the worst songs of all time.

I was inspired to write my own dissection of the song after reading "The Annotated Christmas Shoes," on the (sadly now gone) Diary of a Blood Ray (aka The B Pryde Machine) blog years ago. The first time I heard the song, my reaction was much the same as Blood Ray's. I wasn’t moved to tears. I didn’t find the song precious or heartwarming. The song actually kind of pissed me off.

The more I thought about it, the more convinced I was that this song was brainstormed (if you can call it that) to be as manipulative of people’s emotions as possible. I can envisioned the writers sitting down to write a sappy Christmas song, trying to pluck the heartstrings until they frayed. Now that the season is upon us, this hideous song has already started to play. And play. And play. And I just can't take it.

So, taking a page from Blood Ray (whose post I miss, and so wish I had saved), here is my own version, which I call "Anatomy of The Christmas Shoes." Because I'm dissecting this hideous beast. Put on your glasses, I'm shrinking the font because of length.

Image from Blood Ray's original post.

The Christmas Shoes by NewSong

It was almost Christmas time, there I stood in another line
OK, It sets the scene, and it’s not so bad yet. It does manage to telegraph what’s coming though.

Tryin' to buy that last gift or two, not really in the Christmas mood
Still setting the scene, but there’s the country-fried tryin’ as though "trying" wouldn’t be heartwarming enough.

Standing right in front of me was a little boy waiting anxiously Here’s where my cynic antennae start going up. I’m thinking the writers picked a boy, because a girl would just naturally do something nice for her mom. So, yeah, let’s make it a boy, to make it more poignant.

Holiday Cheer? The Christmas Shoes. Worst. Song. Ever!

One of the first blog posts I'd ever read was about the perennially overplayed Worst. Song. Ever. It inspired me to write my own post about this dreadful song, but you can't beat the original. So here, once again, is The Annotated Christmas Shoes.

[Post as it appeared last year]

Today, one of my co-workers started listening to the all Christmas songs, all the time station. It's a little early for me, but he's a Christmas fiend, and can't get enough. He was thoughtful enough to bar me from his office during the first playing--this year, at least--of The Christmas Shoes by NewSong. They should be called BadSong. Maybe CloyingSong. It is easily the worst song of all time, Christmas-themed or not.

One year ago today, I posted my first piece on this piece of dreck. And given the coincidence, I figure it's time for another go-round. So, I bring you. . .

ORIGINAL POST:


Image from source, BPryde Machine

Years ago, before I even understood what a blog was, I stumbled upon a site called Diary of a Blood Ray. It was a blog that centered around a young man, his love life, and his huge interest in musical theater. But the reason I found his site was a search I ran on Google for a music review of the NewSong holiday ditty, "The Christmas Shoes."

Every year, this song litters the airwaves, sometimes played hourly on "all Christmas, all the time" stations. It's hideous. It's badly written, cloyingly sung, and makes this grinch's heart grow many sizes smaller, whenever I hear it. As I reported a while back, I don't go in for the sap. And this song is flowing with rivers of sap.

But I digress, back to Blood Ray. He wrote a blog post called "The Annotated Christmas Shoes," which is one of the funniest, best dissections of bad verse I've ever read. I laughed till I cried, and actually got hiccups the first time I read it. Hilarious, and right down the line exactly how I felt about the song.

Blood Ray has a new name for his blog now, The BPrydeMachine. And thank Jeebus the old post is still there. If you just love The Christmas Shoes, this post will make your blood boil. If you're like me, you'll need some tissues and a hiccup cure, because you will laugh your ass off.

[Excerpt]

The Annotated "Christmas Shoes"

. . .For the next five minutes or so, I sat stupefied. While I expected some worthless tripe to poison my airwaves, I didn't expect a steaming pile of dog sh**, horribly written, and badly executed to make my ears burn. It was like this song was written in some alternate universe Brill Building, completely calculated to make one’s eyes moist and one's heart feel all warm, a modern classic to remind us "what Christmas is all about." Feh. . .

And then he goes into a line-by-line dissection:

It was almost Christmas time, there I stood in another line

What is "almost Christmas time"? July? Christmas sh** starts hitting the shelves in the summer, and by time Halloween is over, Thanksgiving is a one-day break from the runaway train that is Christmas, so as a listener, I’m already confused as to when this song takes place. I'm gonna go with Arbor Day.

Trying to buy that last gift or two, not really in a Christmas mood

Well, if it's only Arbor Day and he's on his last gift or two, he's doing pretty goddamn well (I've still only bought one gift at this point). . .

To excerpt any more than that wouldn't be fair to the author, but I'm telling you, it gets better and better, funnier and funnier the further you read. I hope to write my own dissection of these crappy lyrics, because I had a few ideas of my own on it, even before I read Blood Ray's take. Stay tuned [Mission accomplished. See link above!].

Read the whole post at: BPryde Machine

It's Back, The Christmas Shoes: Worst. Song. Ever.

Today, one of my co-workers started listening to the all Christmas songs, all the time station. It's a little early for me, but he's a Christmas fiend, and can't get enough. He was thoughtful enough to bar me from his office during the first playing--this year, at least--of The Christmas Shoes by NewSong. They should be called BadSong. Maybe CloyingSong. It is easily the worst song of all time, Christmas-themed or not.

One year ago today, I posted my first piece on this piece of dreck. And given the coincidence, I figure it's time for another go-round. So, I bring you. . .

ORIGINAL POST:

Image from source, BPryde Machine

Years ago, before I even understood what a blog was, I stumbled upon a site called Diary of a Blood Ray. It was a blog that centered around a young man, his love life, and his huge interest in musical theater. But the reason I found his site was a search I ran on Google for a music review of the NewSong holiday ditty, "The Christmas Shoes."

Every year, this song litters the airwaves, sometimes played hourly on "all Christmas, all the time" stations. It's hideous. It's badly written, cloyingly sung, and makes this grinch's heart grow many sizes smaller, whenever I hear it. As I reported a while back, I don't go in for the sap. And this song is flowing with rivers of sap.

But I digress, back to Blood Ray. He wrote a blog post called "The Annotated Christmas Shoes," which is one of the funniest, best dissections of bad verse I've ever read. I laughed till I cried, and actually got hiccups the first time I read it. Hilarious, and right down the line exactly how I felt about the song.

Blood Ray has a new name for his blog now, The BPrydeMachine. And thank Jeebus the old post is still there. If you just love The Christmas Shoes, this post will make your blood boil. If you're like me, you'll need some tissues and a hiccup cure, because you will laugh your ass off.

[Excerpt]

The Annotated "Christmas Shoes"

. . .For the next five minutes or so, I sat stupefied. While I expected some worthless tripe to poison my airwaves, I didn't expect a steaming pile of dog sh**, horribly written, and badly executed to make my ears burn. It was like this song was written in some alternate universe Brill Building, completely calculated to make one’s eyes moist and one's heart feel all warm, a modern classic to remind us "what Christmas is all about." Feh. . .

And then he goes into a line-by-line dissection:

It was almost Christmas time, there I stood in another line

What is "almost Christmas time"? July? Christmas sh** starts hitting the shelves in the summer, and by time Halloween is over, Thanksgiving is a one-day break from the runaway train that is Christmas, so as a listener, I’m already confused as to when this song takes place. I'm gonna go with Arbor Day.


Trying to buy that last gift or two, not really in a Christmas mood

Well, if it's only Arbor Day and he's on his last gift or two, he's doing pretty goddamn well (I've still only bought one gift at this point). . .

To excerpt any more than that wouldn't be fair to the author, but I'm telling you, it gets better and better, funnier and funnier the further you read. I hope to write my own dissection of these crappy lyrics, because I had a few ideas of my own on it, even before I read Blood Ray's take. [Editor's Note: I did write such a post, and will republish it in the next few days] Stay tuned.

Read the whole post at: BPryde Machine

Favorite Post: The Annotated "The Christmas Shoes"

Image from source, BPryde Machine

Years ago, before I even understood what a blog was, I stumbled upon a site called Diary of a Blood Ray. It was a blog that centered around a young man, his love life, and his huge interest in musical theater. But the reason I found his site was a search I ran on Google for a music review of the NewSong holiday ditty, "The Christmas Shoes."

Every year, this song litters the airwaves, sometimes played hourly on "all Christmas, all the time" stations. It's hideous. It's badly written, cloyingly sung, and makes this grinch's heart grow many sizes smaller, whenever I hear it. As I reported a while back, I don't go in for the sap. And this song is flowing with rivers of sap.

But I digress, back to Blood Ray. He wrote a blog post called "The Annotated Christmas Shoes," which is one of the funniest, best dissections of bad verse I've ever read. I laughed till I cried, and actually got hiccups the first time I read it. Hilarious, and right down the line exactly how I felt about the song.

Blood Ray has a new name for his blog now, The BPrydeMachine. And thank Jeebus the old post is still there. If you just love The Christmas Shoes, this post will make your blood boil. If you're like me, you'll need some tissues and a hiccup cure, because you will laugh your ass off.

[Excerpt]

The Annotated "Christmas Shoes"

. . .For the next five minutes or so, I sat stupefied. While I expected some worthless tripe to poison my airwaves, I didn't expect a steaming pile of dog sh**, horribly written, and badly executed to make my ears burn. It was like this song was written in some alternate universe Brill Building, completely calculated to make one’s eyes moist and one's heart feel all warm, a modern classic to remind us "what Christmas is all about." Feh. . .

And then he goes into a line-by-line dissection:

It was almost Christmas time, there I stood in another line

What is "almost Christmas time"? July? Christmas sh** starts hitting the shelves in the summer, and by time Halloween is over, Thanksgiving is a one-day break from the runaway train that is Christmas, so as a listener, I’m already confused as to when this song takes place. I'm gonna go with Arbor Day.


Trying to buy that last gift or two, not really in a Christmas mood

Well, if it's only Arbor Day and he's on his last gift or two, he's doing pretty goddamn well (I've still only bought one gift at this point). . .

To excerpt any more than that wouldn't be fair to the author, but I'm telling you, it gets better and better, funnier and funnier the further you read. I hope to write my own dissection of these crappy lyrics, because I had a few ideas of my own on it, even before I read Blood Ray's take. Stay tuned.

Read the whole post at: BPryde Machine