Image from source, BPryde Machine
Years ago, before I even understood what a blog was, I stumbled upon a site called Diary of a Blood Ray. It was a blog that centered around a young man, his love life, and his huge interest in musical theater. But the reason I found his site was a search I ran on Google for a music review of the NewSong holiday ditty, "The Christmas Shoes."
Every year, this song litters the airwaves, sometimes played hourly on "all Christmas, all the time" stations. It's hideous. It's badly written, cloyingly sung, and makes this grinch's heart grow many sizes smaller, whenever I hear it. As I reported a while back, I don't go in for the sap. And this song is flowing with rivers of sap.
But I digress, back to Blood Ray. He wrote a blog post called "The Annotated Christmas Shoes," which is one of the funniest, best dissections of bad verse I've ever read. I laughed till I cried, and actually got hiccups the first time I read it. Hilarious, and right down the line exactly how I felt about the song.
Blood Ray has a new name for his blog now, The BPrydeMachine. And thank Jeebus the old post is still there. If you just love The Christmas Shoes, this post will make your blood boil. If you're like me, you'll need some tissues and a hiccup cure, because you will laugh your ass off.
The Annotated "Christmas Shoes"
. . .For the next five minutes or so, I sat stupefied. While I expected some worthless tripe to poison my airwaves, I didn't expect a steaming pile of dog sh**, horribly written, and badly executed to make my ears burn. It was like this song was written in some alternate universe Brill Building, completely calculated to make one’s eyes moist and one's heart feel all warm, a modern classic to remind us "what Christmas is all about." Feh. . .
And then he goes into a line-by-line dissection:
It was almost Christmas time, there I stood in another line
What is "almost Christmas time"? July? Christmas sh** starts hitting the shelves in the summer, and by time Halloween is over, Thanksgiving is a one-day break from the runaway train that is Christmas, so as a listener, I’m already confused as to when this song takes place. I'm gonna go with Arbor Day.
Trying to buy that last gift or two, not really in a Christmas mood
Well, if it's only Arbor Day and he's on his last gift or two, he's doing pretty goddamn well (I've still only bought one gift at this point). . .
To excerpt any more than that wouldn't be fair to the author, but I'm telling you, it gets better and better, funnier and funnier the further you read. I hope to write my own dissection of these crappy lyrics, because I had a few ideas of my own on it, even before I read Blood Ray's take. Stay tuned.
Read the whole post at: BPryde Machine