Saturday, March 14, 2015

What Does a Tundra, An Igloo & Our Dear Editor's Windows Have In Common???...

EDITOR'S NOTE: While I can neither confirm nor deny any of what Rev' Stu has to say here, I will first a) apologize for the lack of posts over the last two weeks while I once again get my new life here in Cowtown USA on some sort of schedule, and b) note with some amusement and horror that Stu is taking advantage of my absence to fling some poo on the walls of my derelict blog! Now, on with the story, which may or may not contain a bare thread of truth (or possibly a woven, filthy tapestry of it).

My Heart
I was just monkeying around & thinkin' I should poke fun at our Dear Editor. I know enough about him & have a bit of a callousness that can beget me from time to time... So I figured why the fuck not? "It's all in good spirit...", which is what my lawyers, psychiatrists, spiritual advisers & judge's ruling said I should say. And so it begins...

I met Jamie on a cold and stormy night in the Las Vegas Valley, right behind the am/pm on Valley View & Tropicana... $5 seemed reasonable to me. I'm not gay, but he kinda seemed like he was. Funny enough, it was BFFs from the get go, since I had $15 that day. We chatted three times behind that filthy gas station... I left there with an empty wallet & an empty coin purse.

We seemed to connect & he offered to treat me to dinner afterwards. He allowed me to pick $7 worth of the nearby Burger King's $1 value menu items. Quite generous. In later reflection, I sorta felt like I bought my own dinner, but I digress again... I even had cheese on my Whopper Jr. that night. Very sweet.

Valuable & Heartbreaking Menu
It was awkward the first day Jamie came to work at the same place I did. How did that happen? Did he computer?? Did he scrawl with Crayons? I had no idea he was artsy-fartsy, which I contribute to my total lack of understanding "Teh Gay Culture". But suddenly there he was the in the same room... He's going to be working with me! When he walked thru that sliding glass door & saw me he immediately remembered the $13 worth of flame broiled Burger King value menu items connection we had shared that stormy, magical night. (Admittedly, I too reflected upon that night & remembered that the fucking bitch in the drive thru totally forgot my sweet & sour sauce request... Which I think may have been a gay-bashing crime?... But I'm not sure because I'm not a $16 gay.)

Jamie's Early Work - Circa 1999
Eventually I warmed up to Jamie being in my workspace in the non-$5 way. He was pretty good with crayons & hardly ever tried to make me gay. (He did offer to bring my coffee one morning which may have been Teh Gay for "Wanna fuck?"... But again I'm not cultured or gay, so I don't really know???...)

I decided to break the ice at the office one day... I asked him if he was going to the Cyndi Lauper concert that weekend.
Shocked & scared he said, "Yes, I am going to the queers only show."
I knew then that my suspicions about his gayness were close to confirmed. I beat the crap out him in the parking lot after work... For liking Cyndi Lauper, not teh gay thing.

After that he was more open about his sinful lifestyle & tendencies towards penii®. We became closer in a strictly non-gay way. We went to movies together, drank beers together, watched Sally Fields movies & even cooked together. It was just like being behind the am/pm again... $15 and limitless dreams. Good times. Again magical... Not cold, just warm loads of fun. Hopeful & playful.
Possibly Jamie's Flying Whore

Things were going well for quite some time until Jamie decided that hanging out at bars was a better route for him... The Burger King value meal was no longer his cup of tea. He started frequenting places that had free drinks, loose slots, looser guests & alleys. It was disturbing. Then he met Her. The tramp. He was enamored... Enthralled... Blown away. To make a long story short Jamie ended up marrying some stewardess from United Airlines. I was crushed, but not in teh gay way.

Fast forward to today. There Jamie sits happy in his big igloo, on the frozen tundra with $16 dollars worth of flying whore & a new world of exploration at his feet... And not gay.

The Devil's Sandwich
I hope you both fucking freeze to death in a White Castle drive thru window.

Much love & luck to you & yours Dear Editor...
~The Rev' Stu' (aka The Stupid Monkey)


  1. Dan, I'll have to leave any further explaining to Rev. Stu'. He's a strange and mysterious creature. . . :)


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