What You Must Believe to be a Republican (or PUMA)

Randi Rhodes, host of her own radio show on the Nova M Network often runs a comedy bit at the beginning of a new hour called, "How to be a GOOD Republican." It also sometimes has a title (paraphrasing here) like "What You Must Believe to be a Republican."

It just occurred to me that if all the faux outrage and stupid (stupid, stupid, stupid) emails that were floating around were genuinely believed by the candidates and voters, you'd almost have to believe that Barack Obama, his wife and Democrats in general, were evil incarnate. We know that they mostly don't believe this stuff, they just use it for political purposes.

But I thought it might be interesting to list a few things that they claim to believe, Let's see, you'd have to believe that:

• Barack Obama is a crazy Christian.


• Barack Obama is a covert Muslim too.


• Barack Obama switched bodies with Keith Ellison, and was sworn into the Senate on the Koran.


• Barack Obama hates the troops.


• Barack Obama hates America.


• Barack Obama probably hates the baby Jesus.


• Michelle Obama hates America. We're allowed to attack her mercilessly for a few ill-chosen words.


• Barack Obama doesn't qualify for President, since he was born in Hawaii to a Citizen.


• Barack Obama is scary because he's too young at 46.


• Barack Obama's popularity around the world is a bad thing.


• Barack Obama's middle name is "Hussein" like Saddam, and his last name sounds like "Osama." This make him a bad man, unfit to be President.


• Barack Obama knows some people who turned out to be bad guys. Ipso facto, Obama is bad too.


• Barack Obama has changed his position on some issues. he's a flip-flopper.

Then, you have to believe this:

• John McCain is a straight talker on religion. Even if he's claimed to be both Baptist and Episcopalian.


• John McCain loves the troops so much, he was against the GI Bill.


• John McCain--who has said he didn't love America until he came back from Viet Nam--loves America.


• Cindy McCain has had a few scandals in her day, but she's off limits. Leave her alone.


• John McCain was born in the Panama Canal Zone, outside America. Do NOT question his citizenship. It's not like it was Hawaii.


• It would be wrong to point out that John McCain is 72. And an old 72. So what?


• It would be inappropriate to refer to "J. Sidney McCain," but "B. Hussein Obama" is acceptable.


• John McCain was one of the Keating Five, and had lots of shifty acquaintances over the years. So?


• John McCain has changed his positions as conditions changed "on the ground." This is different from flip-flopping. Somehow.

And most importantly:

• Emails with the tag-line, "Send this to everyone you know!" are to be believed as 100% true, as long as they are about a Democrat. Or a virus that will eat your hard drive.

Do yourself a favor if anything here feels true to you. Go to Snopes.com, and read for yourself why everything you know is wrong! Thankyouverymuch.