Naughty Christmas Songs: The XXX-Mas Shoes

Another one from the vaults, a perennial around here. It's delightfully offensive, so don't read if you're not into that sort of thing!

Original Post:

In my earlier post, Anatomy of the Christmas Shoes, I mentioned that that horrible song was ripe for parody. Friend and contributor, Stupid Monkey Planet took me up on the challenge, and wrote a new song, using the cadence of the original.

That is where the similarities end, however! The Monkey has a dirty mind, you see, and he envisions the song a little differently than NewSong. Oh, it's still a Christmas tune, but with a decidedly adult take on things.

For this post, I'm using a feature that allows me to put part of a post "below the fold." So, if you're not easily offended, and you hate "The Christmas Shoes" as much as we do, by all means read more. You've been warned. . .



“The XXXMas Shoes”
© Copyright 2007 Stupid Monkey Planet
(real name on file at Greenlee Gazette)

It was almost breakfast time
I stared into my glass of wine
Already had a drink or two
Which really gets me in the mood
Sitting down right next to me
A dirty woman I'd rate a three
What else was I gonna do
So, I asked her where'd ya get those shoes?


She was kinda worn & old
"A whore" is what I've been told
Oh what the hell, it’s Christmas Day
I leaned towards her just to say


[Chorus]
How much to wear your shoes?
For a Christmas tease
They are darling & I really like them used
And one more thing, please
May I also wear your hose?
For starters, run them under my nose
Slide them all the way up to my knees
Let us go somewhere so that no one sees
How much for all of this tonite?


I counted pennies for what seemed liked years
I said, "I sure hope that there is enough here."
She counts the pennies frantically
She turns & is smiling at me
She says, "Let's you & me head down to my house."
It was at 3rd & Holy Cross
I tell ya what I couldn't wait to do
Was put on her hose & dirty, dirty shoes


[Bridge]
She pulled the hose up & down
Tightened the strappys around
I will never forget the look on her face
Seeing me all dressed up in used lace

[Chorus]
How much to wear your shoes?
For a Christmas tease.
They are darling & I really like them used
And one more thing, please
May I also wear your hose?
For starters, run them under my nose
Slide them all the way up to my knees
Let us go somewhere so that no one sees
How much for all of this tonite?

I knew I'd caught a glimpse of heaven's love
These shoes fit me like a glove
I knew that God had sent that dirty girl
To remind me, that ten more, gets me 'round the world.