Louie Anderson on Countdown with Keith Olbermann on Airport Security

Please oh please let them scrap the "take off your shoes" policy! I'm already unassembled enough with my belt, watch, wallet, computer, glasses and everything else all in the tray.

Travelogue, Part the First

I sit here in the B terminal of McCarran Airport in Las Vegas, awaiting my 10:15 am departure to Columbus, Ohio. As instructed, we arrived 2 hours before departure. Having already printed my ticket at home, I checked my bag with the porter at the curb (2 minutes, max), and shuffled off to the security area.

There was almost no one in line at security, but just before I entered the queue, a Japanese group of at least 10 (with one straggler) edged in ahead of me. They spoke no English. The TSA man checking IDs (completely out of the wallet please) was cheery to the point of mania, singing a happy song, flamboyantly. I mean hello, sister (I've got teh gay, so I can say that). There was also no nekkid scanner for me to go through, no pat downs. One of the Japanese group--an old woman--was pulled for a "random," and one of the men was oblivious to a request for a baggage check.

Anyway, I got through in record time, maybe 10, 15 minutes total? So, I have time to kill. And time to reflect upon the indignities one has to suffer, even with the "basic" TSA procedure.  Here's just what I had to do.

- Manage my coat and computer bag (on wheels).
- Remove my ID and boarding pass, and have them at hand.
- Take off wedding ring, belt, watch, phone, and put them somewhere.
- Take off shoes.
- Waddle to scanning area, where I have to put shoes, coat, all removed items, and removed computer into two bins, plus the bag itself.
- Go through scanner, whilst belongings go through different scanner.
- Wait for belongings whilst TSA agent tries in vain to get Japanese man to answer him.
- Gather two bins and bag, and shamble to a place to put myself back together.
- Put on: wedding ring, belt, watch, phone clip, shoes.
- Put computer back in bag.
- Sigh deeply, and walk to gate.

This is always a bitch, is never elegant or graceful, and though it was quick this time, I hate every second of it. Oh for the porno scanner or the groping by a TSA hottie. That might have balanced things!

FOX "News" Store at George Bush Airport?

I have no idea how long this store has been open, what inspired it, what kind of person shops there, or who the hell thought this was a good idea. But if I had a belly full of expensive airport food, I sure wouldn't want to discover this store while walking to my gate. Talk about airsick!

Source: jasonepink

UPDATE: After looking around on the web a little, it turns out there are several of these. So it's not just a Texas or a George Bush thing. Those facts don't settle my stomach any. Rupert! Haven't you done enough damage? You've got three or four million gullible Americans getting their "news" from your so-slanted-it's-almost-upside-down channel. Do you have to infect them when they're on vacation too?

U.S. Marine Arrested With Weapons In Luggage At Boston Airport

Yipes!

Travelogue, Part the Third

There are probably only a handful of people--if any--who read part one and two of my little travelogues of my trip back to Ohio. But I still wanted to finish the series, detailing the travel aspect of my trip back home for Easter. The trip itself was fine, with much fun and kinship with my 2,000-miles away family. The getting there, and the getting back? Not so much.

My story actually starts back a few days, when I realized I'd need a larger bag for my trip back. At $15 a pop for checked baggage, I thought it best to just take one. Mom had a better solution, a bag large enough to hold my current suitcase. As luck would have it, we were attending an auction together, and Mom got me a great TravelPro bag for $10. While shuffling some contents shortly before I had to go to the airport (in the rain), I even discovered that the bag was expandable. Very cool.

My brother took me to the airport, and I discovered as we were driving that we share a tendency to lack navigation skills while in conversation. After two missed turns, we arrived at the airport. I needn't have worried though, since our plane was half and hour late due to a mechanical. So, I sat at the airport from 4:15 to about 6:30. No big deal. Sitting in an airport is more fun than sitting on a plane.

The pilot's name on my flight from Columbus to Dallas was Captain Downing which did not inspire confidence. After he promised a bumpy ride, but delivered a smooth one, I settled down a bit. I read, and dozed, and read and dozed. There was of course a screaming baby. Eventually we landed in DFW. Even with the delay, I had plenty of time to get from the C concourse to the D, which is on the opposite side of the very large airport. Dallas has a great tram service that zips you from gate to gate, so there isn't a massive amount of walking involved.

After milling about my gate for a while, I wandered around, grabbed an iced tea, and then went back to discover that my gate had changed back to the C concourse! Back onto the tram, all the way to the other side again. By this time, I only had to wait about half an hour until we boarded. Another screaming baby. We took off for Las Vegas.

This flight was fairly uneventful, though it felt like it took much longer than it should have. It had been a long day. So I was thrilled when the pilot (possibly Captain Falling?) told us we'd be landing ten minutes early. Great! Except that there was a plane stuck at our gate. Captain not-Falling told us it would be ten minutes. It was half an hour. Sitting on the runway, really having to pee. Why couldn't they change our gate, like they did in Dallas? Anyway, my travel day started at 4:00 pm EDST and ended at about 11:30 PDST. Ten and a half hours!

Much of this was annoying, and could have been avoided with a costlier non-stop flight. I will remember this next time, and try to plan further ahead.

Travelogue, Part the Second

Photo from airfarewatchdog.com

I've been in Ohio for two days now, and have just had the opportunity to check in. I'm glad to see that Stupid Monkey Planet had the opportunity to stop by as well, and that my "time release" blog posts are showing up as planned.

Since I haven't been paying attention to the news, I have nothing of substance to add at this juncture. But I thought it might be a good opportunity to recap my all-night travel "day" on the way to the heart of Ohio.

It started well. My friend Dona's brother picked me up as scheduled and delivered me to the airport with no problems. I breezed through security, and landed at my gate with much time to spare. How much time that would grow into, I would have no idea. At around 10:30 pm, an announcement was made that our flight crew was late. There were problems in San Francisco, and they would not be arriving for quite some time. Though the plane was due to take off at 10:57, we would not be boarding until 11:25!

I never heard them call my "zone," so I just got in line as it dwindled down, and took my seat (16A, a window seat, though I had "reserved" an aisle) at about 11:30 pm. For the next half hour, we sat there with no air conditioning. If it was any cooler than 95 degrees, I'd be shocked. And a screaming baby two rows behind me began his song. Finally, at midnight, the air started to blow, and it was announced that we had a pilot!

We eventually took off at around 12:15 am, headed for Charlotte, where I had originally been scheduled for an hour and a half layover. I dozed a bit, woke a bit, dozed a bit. At around 6:00 am or so, I awoke (presumably over Tennessee) to witness a spectacular lightning storm. We were above a cottony layer of clouds, with bursts of lighting popping around my entire field of vision below me. All the way to the horizon, and as far as I could see east and west, strobes were going off in a fashion I've never witnessed before in my life. I was glad I woke up to see it.

We landed in Charlotte at 7:10 or so, and the crew asked for the help of Charlotte-bound passengers to please stay seated, so that those of us with connecting flights could be allowed to make our schedules. They did not comply. The ninety or so people in front of me took their usual, frustrating, maddeningly slow time getting their things, and moving out of the plane. At the gate, I was informed that I needed to get to gate E-3. . .and I was at B-something.

I ran/power-walked the entire distance, and barely made it to the gate. After struggling with an incomprehensible (and slightly hostile) gate agent, I finally got on board, onto a little tiny express plane, and had seats A-1 and A-2 to myself! Other than spending the flight debating the gender of my flight attendant, the rest of the trip went smoothly.

I am certain that I've had a similar experience in Charlotte previously. In fact, during my trek from the B to the E concourse, I had sort of a deja vu of having had deja vu before of the exact event. So it is possible that everyone who lands in the B concourse in Charlotte has to run to the E concourse to make their flight on time. Avoid Charlotte, just to be safe!

Travelogue, Part the First

Image from Getaway Grand Vacations

I'm sitting at the Las Vegas McCarran airport, awaiting departure back to Ohio. I'm pleasantly surprised how easy it was to get online here. Didn't bother to find an outlet, since I don't plan to be online for long.

I'd hoped to meet The Other Half, who is coincidentally returning from a flight right about now. But the airport is a BIG place, and security is a pain in the neck, so I guess I'll just have to skip that.

Security wasn't too bad. By now, I'm planning ahead more than I used to. All of my electronics and cords and things are in individual baggies. I brought a big baggie to deposit my belt, wedding ring, watch, phone and all other metal "BEEP!" items. I still never have enough hands for my shoes, jacket, boarding pass, computer bag and computer. And I don't like walking around in sock feet on carpet where millions of others have also walked around in sock feet. I'll never get over the fact that people have to take their flip-flops off. . .or that they'd actually wear flip-flops on a plane.

So, I sit and wait. The bing, bong, bloop, Wheel! Of! Fortune! sounds of the slot machines ring in the air, with Vegas travellers who just quite didn't get their fix yet. My next post will probably be either well after I land, or if I get bored between flights, from Charlotte, North Carolina. Goodbye Las Vegas! See you soon.

FedEx Plane Crashes in Tokyo on Live TV

Why is it the most horrible things also tend to be the most fascinating things? Condolances to all involved.

Is That a Gun in Your Pocket, or Are You Just Happy to See Me?

Image from Air America Radio

Exhibitionists rejoice! You could be appearing nude--legally--at an airport near you! I don't know how I personally feel about it, exactly. But if your screener pulls you out of line for a random frisking, be very suspicious!

[Excerpt]

Machine gives x-ray vision

They show a female in the left two images and a male on the right.

But the x-ray vision machine penetrates clothing leaving little to the imagination. . .

Read more at: The Sun

X-Rated Security Screenings at the Airport?

Image from source, CBS 2 Chicago

We've long accepted a complete lack of Constitutional rights at the airport. People who've travelled more than a few times already have the drill down: Take off your belt, your watch, your shoes; take your computer out of its case; get out your ID and ticket; put everything through the machine, and if you're lucky, gather all your stuff and waddle over to the chairs to put everything back.

But sometimes we're not so lucky. We get pulled out of line, our bags get ransacked, we're wanded. . .ooh! But sometimes it gets more serious than that.

[Excerpt]

Fliers Complain About X-Rated Security Screenings

When travelers go to the airport, they know what kind of security to expect: luggage searches, metal detectors and shoe inspections. It's all part of our post 9-11 reality enforced by the Transportation Security Adminstration.

But as CBS 2 Investigator Pam Zekman reports, thousands of travelers have complained that some of these screenings can become abusive and even x-rated. For arguing with a TSA agent, Robin Kassner wound up being slammed to the floor. She's filed a lawsuit. . .

Read more (with video) at: CBS 2 Chicago

Man Almost Arrested at Airport for Transformers T-shirt

Photo from source, This is London

Jeez. This reminds me of the "zero-tolerance" policies at schools that eject kids for taking an aspirin, or having a plastic butter knife in their lunchbox. Stuck on stupid, anyone?

[Excerpt]

Man threatened with arrest at Heathrow for wearing Transformers T-shirt

An airline passenger claimed that a security guard threatened to arrest him because he was wearing a T-shirt showing a cartoon robot with a gun.

Brad Jayakody, 30, from London, said he was stopped from passing through security at Heathrow's Terminal 5 after his Transformers T-shirt was deemed 'offensive. . .'

Read more at: This is London