RANT: My Ordeal Switching from Cable to Satellite

Sure! It's jut that easy! Right?

Does anyone have a good story about signing up for cable, satellite or other TV/Internet service? Or rather, so good that you'd feel compelled to write about it, or share your story? I rather doubt it. Because, even though it's not something we usually do very often, the experience is almost universally bad. I suppose getting new cellular service is right up there in the same category, but at least there, you usually end up with a flashy little device to carry around with you. But it shares a lot of the same problems.

First, there is the bait-and-switch. Promises of insanely low monthly prices for the newest, the best! $19.95, $29.95, $39.95!  Premium service free for the first three months! Low, low prices for a year! Free accessories! Instant rebates! Free installation and equipment! Hundreds of dollars in gift cards! You'll get better than you currently have for less money! And they spend so much money in mailers, commercials and ads, trying to give you an offer that you can't refuse.

And sometimes, you can't. Because if you've had your current service for a year or two years, suddenly the high price you grudgingly pay every month swells--either by a seemingly innocuous couple of dollars, crawling ever upward--or a suddenly inflated price. Then, those come-ons start to sound pretty sweet. Especially the "more for less" part of the equation.

I've already been at my "new" house for just almost a year.  My Time-Warner Cable plan (expensive, but less per month, and with less sparkle and flash than I'd had at my old house) was about to go up, and its limitations had become obvious. Improving the service was only going cost more by layers of $9.99 and $19.99 tack-ons, and we're already paying a crazy amount for our "bundle." Plus, I wasn't looking forward to hours on the phone negotiating. The initial contact last year had already been a frustrating struggle. So, I entertained the idea of switching.

First, I had some ATT/DirecTV salesmen arrive at my door. I listened for a few minutes, but happened to be busy, so I shooed them away, told them to come back later. They did return, with the hard sell. I didn't bite. Yet. But I'd been roughed up enough that I was easy pickings for the sales guys at Sam's Club, a couple of weeks later. They promised better equipment (Record five shows at once, not just two! Pause live TV in any room! Set recordings in any room! Three months free premiums! As good or better than you have for less per month!). It all sounded too good to be true, and I'd been through this before. I knew that the "low low price" has a way of creeping up before you sign the

It always feels like this, doesn't it?

dotted line, and the service you were promised ends up being significantly less. I was determined to not get suckered again.

So, I agreed to let them come out, assess whether the service would compare well, actually be less per month, not skyrocket in year two, not have hidden costs and unwanted compromises in service. But no matter how hard you try, you just can't avoid all the pitfalls of the process. Every step has been a pain in the butt, enormously frustrating, to the point of inspiring fits of rage. Why does it have to be this way? As I've already been very wordy, I'm going to try to distill down my frustrations:

- The sales pitch at Sam's Club started out fine, but much of it was a near-inquisition to AT&T's customer service while standing in the middle of a busy store, complete with repeated requests for my Social Security Number and a credit check. Every bit of 20 minutes was spent on the phone, with a difficult to hear or understand, heavily accented CSR. I nearly called it off right there.
- The details of my plan--which I was repeatedly promised could be outlined in detail later--remained vague, as did the details of pricing. The estimate up front sounded good, but the feeling of any kind of hard-and-fast real numbers were elusive. To my insistence, I was assured that I wasn't committed to installation until I was satisfied. But yes, they'll need a refundable $19.95.
- Scheduling for service entailed two appointments, one for satellite service, and one for phone and internet. AT&T recently acquired DirecTV, but it hasn't been a happy marriage, at least not yet. The install was set for Friday, at overlapping time windows (8-11, 9-12). I still was uncomfortable about how it all would work.
- By the time I got home, I already had a flood of emails, and discrepancies were already starting to creep in. They were already referring to me as a new subscriber, and for all appearances, I was feeling committed to the process. But I had confirmation numbers--two of them--on emails--also two of them.
- Wednesday, I got a call that AT&T was coming for install. No, that's not the deal, you're supposed to come Friday! And we're not set for installation yet, I still haven't committed! I want to make sure the plan I was promised is all it's cracked up to be! So, I told them, NO, it's Friday 8-11. I called to ensure that was the case. I called to confirm the terms of the deal, to a better (but still not confident) feeling that it was what I'd been sold.
- Thursday, after still more email come-ons, I was told they were coming again, that day! NO, Friday, it's Friday I told them. I got another call, with my account details, but asking for an entirely different client. Nope, that's not me, I said.

"Steve" from AT&T

- All through this process, I was being called "Mr. James," which is my first name, so I wasn't even sure they knew who I was. I also had to deal with two different companies for three different services, from several CSRs, some with thick and impenetrable accents.
- Friday finally arrived, and one of the services (I couldn't recall which) was 45 minutes from arriving). It turned out to be the DirecTV side, and they started unloading equipment! Dammit, I hadn't committed to the service yet! But, I had confirmed--twice--that the pricing was good, and now, after all of the above, I decided I'd put too much into this to walk away. So, I let them begin work.
- Noon approached, and still no AT&T side of the equation had arrived. I called, and found that there was no active order. Even though this pricing was bundled. Even though the services were interdependent to function, and would be replacing my existing service. Even though I had multiple confirmation numbers and hours on the phone. I was told we'd have to restart the process, and it would be impossible to send out a tech that day. Unacceptable! But I was arguing with yet another strongly-accented, hard to understand CSR. I demanded another person to talk to.
- Trying mightily to be considerate, I talked to a more local person, finally. There was truly no way to get someone out that day, unbelievably. But I gave a good enough fight to get someone for the next day, promises of another gift card, and increased service for (allegedly) the same price.

As of this writing, I have satellite service, with a package of better equipment than I had, but slightly less in the way of channels (something I may try to address). I have a few new holes in my walls that I didn't expect, and still don't quite comprehend, as my house was fully wired for cable. I have internet and phone service allegedly arriving today, with a mid-range speed (and a promised, to-be-installed-later) upgrade to a higher speed. I don't doubt that I'll have to fight again, to get that price down to the "better than you had, for less per month" promise. But I also have that gift card promise, that--by the end--had grown to a $300 Sam's Club gift card, and separate $110 gift card, and a $200 gift card. And I still have my old cable service, which I had to keep in order to have internet in the meantime.

That last bit was a bit odd too. I'd lost internet service from the moment they started installing the satellite service. And for hours, we were in the dark ages, with no connectivity. It inexplicably started to work again, hours later. Clearly my house's cable wiring is still intact alongside, but I have no idea why it was out for those hours.

So, the story is not over. And far from unique. But I'd love to know why this process is so painful. I'd love to know how an industry as vulnerable as this one would make their customers go through this. I'd like for AT&T/U-Verse/DirecTV to get their corporate shit (and uncomfortable marriage) together. Most of all, I'd love to know why I'm saddled with so many channels I'll never use (home shopping, international languages, religion, sports), and losing several that we do.

I'm convinced that the old model will die. Eventually, the process will have to become more streamlined, the content selection more ala carte, and the power more on the side of the customer. But for this 2-year process, I'm stuck with what I have. I mean, after they've drilled several holes in your house, and you've unstrung and restrung the spaghetti wires in several rooms, who wants to go through the process of undoing it and starting over? 

John Oliver Explains Net Neutrality

John Oliver is quite right. The problem with getting people energized about Net Neutrality, is that it is always so boring to listen to the details. It isn't remotely sexy. But here, Oliver gets the point across in a way that isn't boring, and gives you the details on how to do something about it.

 

The Gay Thing: HGTV Cancels Plans for Show Due to Homophobic Hosts

When I was a kid, it wasn't rare for people to say wildly racist things, out loud, and without much concern for who heard it. Sometime between the mid-70s and the mid-80s, overt racism had to come more covert. We segued into "think it, but don't say it." You'd still get a drunken uncle letting the n-word fly, and be startled by an older person saying "darkie." But over a period of years, it became a no-no. Now, it's exceedingly rare for someone to be blatantly racist, and when they are, it tends to make news.

Looks like that's happening now with LGBT issues. Though it will no doubt enrage the anti-gay right, we have a new example of how it's just not cool to be openly homophobic, and still get to be on the tee-vee machine. Especially when it's a channel like HGTV, known as "Host is Gay TV" for years now. It's a bit ironic too, because the guys in question here would have drawn the eyeballs of a number of gay viewers, if they weren't so openly bigoted.

So pretty. And such douches. Image from source, Raw Story.

[Excerpt]

HGTV calls off show starring twins who hate gays, Muslims, divorce, and public schools
 
HGTV abruptly called off a new reality show featuring twin brothers who have organized prayer rallies against LGBT and reproductive rights and compared same-sex marriage to Nazi Germany. “Flip It Forward,” which was scheduled to premier in October, was supposed to feature David and Jason Benham as they helped families buy, repair, and sell real estate. . .

Read more at: Raw Story

Russell Johnson, "The Professor" of Gilligan's Island, Dead at 89

Image from source, New York Times

I had a bit of a surreal experience today at work. While I was waiting for my computer to complete an action, I tabbed over to Facebook, which I had running in the background. From my Hollywood Babylon group was a reposting of something Dawn Wells ("Mary Ann" of Gilligan's Island) had just posted. It was the sad notice that two of her favorite people were now dead, along with a picture of herself with Russell Johnson and Bob Denver (Gilligan himself). Since Denver has been gone since 2005, the message was clear. She posted a follow-up, with more remembrance.

I looked around on Twitter, and on Google. Nothing. Nothing at all. I figured if anyone would know, Wells would, so I posted a quick (I was at work, after all) tweet and Facebook message. Later, at lunch, I checked to see if there was anything more, and of course, there was. #RussellJohnson, #TheProfessor and #GilligansIsland were all trending on Twitter. It was true. And for a brief time, I sort of had the inside track, not that it really matters.

Gilligan's Island was a staple of my childhood, when television was the three network stations, fuzzy UHF, and at some point very basic cable, that went all the way up to channel 13! Along with The Brady Bunch (by the same creator, Sherwood Schwartz), Star Trek, Bewitched, The Andy Griffith Show, Speed Racer and Spider-Man, Johnson's show was in heavy rotation. And of all of those shows, and all of those actors and characters, it was Johnson's Professor Roy Hinkley character that. . .ahem. . .inspired a curious attraction. I couldn't name it then, in my pre-teens, but I know it now!

RIP Mr. Johnson. Thanks for the memories.

[Excerpt]

Russell Johnson, Professor on ‘Gilligan’s Island,’ Dies at 89
 
Russell Johnson, an actor who made a living by often playing villains in westerns until he was cast as the Professor, the brains of a bunch of sweetly clueless, self-involved, hopelessly naïve island castaways, on the hit sitcom “Gilligan’s Island,” died on Thursday at his home in Bainbridge Island, Wash. He was 89. His agent, Michael Eisenstadt, confirmed the death. . .

Read more at: New York Times

Duck Dynasty Star Suspended Over Anti-Gay Remarks

Duck Daddy, or who-the-hell ever. Image from source, HuffPo

Let's get this out of the way: while the Duck Dynasty patriarch uttered offensive, outdated comments, I was not--as a gay man--offended. Mostly because I don't give two shits what this man or his family think about anything. That said, A&E (a channel that used to mean "arts and entertainment," which this program doesn't really seem to fit) has every right to suspend or fire the guy for damaging their brand and public image.  I've been reading commentary on the story excerpted below, and want to smack about half of the commenters. They have a very juvenile understanding of the first amendment, thinking that "free speech" means speech unencumbered by consequence.

On a side note, I'm actually more offended that a partially staged "reality show" with such a thin premise can be so popular. I will admit that having no interest in the subject matter (and honestly can't imagine why anyone would be), I have never partaken in watching the program. I probably never will. But basing a show around duck call makers sounds almost as thin a premise as throwing a bunch of confrontational bitches in front of the camera and calling it "Real Housewives." Finding out that they're overflowing with religiosity in addition to camouflage makes me even less interested, regardless of the homophobia.

[Excerpt]
 
'Duck Dynasty' Star Phil Robertson Suspended Over Anti-Gay Remarks

A&E has suspended "Duck Dynasty" star Phil Robertson following anti-gay comments he made in a recent GQ profile, according to a report by Entertainment Weekly.

In an interview with GQ's Drew Magary, the head of the family in the wildly popular A&E series expressed his view that homosexuality was immoral, likening it to bestiality. Some of the remarks were made using off-color language. . .

Read more at: Huffington Post

 

On a side note, this is what the Duck Dynasty folks looked like a dozen years or so ago. Could their image be as phony as "Larry the Cable Guy?" And could the hotness quotient have anything at all to do with Dad's homophobia? Interesting questions I'm just throwing out there.

Image from Life & Style

 

 

Free, Fast, Nationwide Wireless Internet?

Whee! Image from Raw Story.

Over the years, I've gone from basic cable and home telephone for maybe $40 total (we're talking 1986ish), to three land lines and extended cable (late 90s) for somewhere between $80 and $100 per month. Eventually, dial-up modems were replaced by cable modems, and we whittled down to one phone line, with more advanced cable, and we were firmly over $100. In 2004, we got our first cell phones for $60 per month total, added to our now $135 (at least) cable and $25ish land line. Cell phones became smart phones, the land line/internet/DVR/cable package is now bundled, and we're talking $130 for the phones and $200+ for the cable. We're at over $330 per month for various forms of media, and we don't have everything. No, we cut Starz, no Cinemax, no whole-house DVR, no iPhones, no iPads. But I have a hard time believing we're paying what we already are, so haven't added anything in a while.

But imagine that the internet portion was free. And everywhere. Imagine that devices grow with this, and change. I have to think that cell phones would become fully internet phones, no provider. Land lines would become redundant. With services like Netflix and so much content online, cable would be (and sort of already is) replaceable. All other things remaining equal--other than the cost of devices--my media bill could be $0, excepting Netflix or other specialty services.

Or could this be Skynet come to life?

There is no way in hell that Time-Warner, Sprint, AT&T, Verizon, Cox, ComCast and CenturyLink are going to take this lying down. If it looks like free wifi is on the horizon, there will be massive lobbying to fight it, curtail it, throttle it, hobble it. For a time, they might try to innovate, offering more for less. Maybe they'll finally take cable a-la-carte, allowing to pick whatever channels you want. There would still be subscription services like HBO and Showtime.

Our newly evolved net-phones would have to be produced by somebody, and you know that if they can't hook you for data, they're going to get you with the device. There will still be the latest and greatest, and it won't be free unless you sign a contract, right? So, you know the providers will survive. But I've got to think it would bring the price down from the stratosphere.

[Excerpt]

FCC chairman developing plan for free wireless Internet access: report

The chairman of the Federal Communications Commission (FCC) is developing a set of proposals that would establish a public wifi network that blankets the country with a high powered signal anyone can access for free, according to The Washington Post. Such a sweeping change would be years in the making, but companies lobbying for it say that universal Internet access could spark an explosion of innovation and help usher in a new age of prosperity. . .

Read more at:  Raw Story

Blast from the Past: Cyndi Lauper

Since Cyndi Lauper has a new reality show debuting this week, it seems like the perfect time to remind people who she is. I say this with a measure of  sadness: though Cyndi Lauper is an outrageously talented woman, and people still know who she is, her pop culture identity is tragically stalled in the 80s. I don't know why this is. I don't know if she has a bad agent. Maybe she ticked someone in the industry off? She should by all rights have had two or three "comebacks" by now, and be sharing the "diva" status of Cher or Tina Turner. Cyndi is one of my favorite artists, and I'm glad to see that Cyndi Lauper: Still So Unusual debuts on Saturday, January 12 at 9 pm on WE (whatever that is, check your local listings.

So, to refresh your memory, here are some of her biggest hits, and best songs.

Of course, Cyndi has more hits than that, and also some more recent music. I included a couple of non-hits that are nonetheless some of my favorites. But I'd really love it if she could use this show as a springboard to a comeback!

Meanwhile, have a great first full work week of the year. Happy Monday!

Blast from the Past: I Want My Cable TV!

So, this weekend we got a new HD-DVR cable box. It's the fifth or sixth one we've had since HD was invented. All of the old ones got glitchy, the last one being the worst. I figured that if I'm paying such a ridiculously high cable bill, I ought to have better technology. So I got one that just came out, with more storage, and the ability to become a "whole house" DVR, should we want to pay an extra $20 per extra TV. Yeah, maybe not.

But I forgot to set the thing for my Sunday morning political shows. And since I missed those, I pretty much fell out of my usual routine, and got no blogging done. Now it's time to do my weekly Blast from the Past column, and I've got no inspiration. Wait. Cable. Cable's been around a long time. . . .okay, cable ads it is!

1. Warner/Amex Qube - I grew up in Columbus, Ohio--Whitehall, actually--and we were a big test market for new products. Unfortunately, I lived in the Coax Cable area, across town from Warner/Amex. And we were rabidly jealous about it! Because that part of Columbus got to test market Qube, a first-of-its-kind interactive system, with a big (wired) remote control. Well, I was jealous anyway.

2. Telecinema - I'm kind of amazed to find this clip. It's low quality, but it is from 1976! This predates HBO, and was a system that offered lettered channels, like Channel A, Channel B. . .and Channel F was the dirty channel! Between movies, they ran promos, and a program guide. You'll see that in the clip. I remember--very well--the Rollerball trailer in this clip, as well as so many others: The Stepford Wives, Bug, The Car, The Towering Inferno, Earthquake, Death Race 2000, Phantasm. On and on.



3. HBO - Telecinema died, and was soon replaced in Columbus with HBO. But it didn't come in ten flavors or on demand. It was just one channel, that's all you got, and you were happy. This video--which aired before most movies--was a pretty big deal in the days before computer animation.

4. MTV - It's a cliche to say that MTV "used to play music videos!" But it's weird that they don't anymore. It was the entire reason for the channel. And in the early 80s, it was truly a phenomenon.



5. & 6. Ha! & The Comedy Channel - Before there was Comedy Central, there were these two channels. The two eventually merged.

And that's going to have to do it for this week's installment. Have a great Monday! 

FOX "Business" Warned Not to Emulate FOX "News"

Obviously, the order not to copy FOX "News" doesn't extend to the
"news babes." Image from CNBC

Here's a nugget of "common wisdom" I'd love to see consigned to the dustbin of history: the media is liberally biased. In what freakin' universe? Nearly all of the mainstream media is owned by massive multi-national conglomerates. Nearly all of those entities would be considered fiscally conservative. Even MSNBC--the whipping boy of cable news, to most conservatives--has a three-hour morning show every weekday, hosted by a Republican former-Congressman, Joe Scarborough. Even in their admittedly liberal-skewing evening programs (The ED Show, The Rachel Maddow Show, and The Last Word with Lawrence O'Donnell, they regularly have conservative guests like Michael Steele and others. You'd never see that on FOX "News."


For another example, here in Las Vegas, which went blue in 2008, and regularly goes blue in Clark County, there has never been a truly liberal radio station. But there are at least three conservative ones, some on both AM and FM simultaneously.  When you can only name those above along with Bill Maher and Jon Stewart as progressive voices, how can you seriously say it is a liberal media? And yet FOX "News" pretends to be "fair and balanced." And their sister network, FOX "Business" has mostly been a little-watched clone. But the bigwigs are not digging that fact, and they're laying down the law.


[Excerpt]


Memo to Fox Business staff: don`t copy Fox News

Here's a novel idea: Fox Business Network should focus on covering business news.
At least that's what Kevin Magee, executive vice president of the News Corp-owned <NWSA.O> cable news network, is urging his staff to do. . .

Read more at:  CNBC

Infomercial Star Don Lapre Dead by Suicide

From one bedroom apartment, to one
room cell, to one pine box.
Image from source, CBS.

I don't recall the year, but I remember when Don Lapre made his first big splash in infomercials. He was on the less important cable channels all the time, talking about his get rich quick scheme. He stood out from the other guys by being young, stylish and attractive. But his sales pitch--overly earnest, with too many hand gestures, and the repeated phrase, "from my one-bedroom apartment!"--never seemed persuasive to me. Hell, half of my apartments were one-bedroom, and I didn't feel like an abject failure.  But Lapre's style won over lots of people. Enough that he ended up selling other "as seen on TV" products of a hinky nature (like vitamins), and separating gullible people from their money.

Well, Lapre got busted for ripping people off for millions, and tried to kill himself by stabbing his groin (which takes, um. . .). He wasn't successful the first time, but he finally did it. Dead in prison. So, all of the folks who he was trying to make jealous of his success? Well, they finally got a little schadenfreude.


[Excerpt]

TV pitchman Don Lapre found dead in cell after apparent suicide


Authorities say TV pitchman Don Lapre was found dead after an apparent suicide in an Arizona jail cell on Sunday morning. Officials say they are continuing to investigate the circumstances surrounding his death. It was only a few days before his $52 million fraud trial was set to begin. . .

Read more at: CBS

What Happens in Vegas: Changes and Lies!

Don't you love utilities? They can basically do and charge whatever they like, because they are essentially the only game in town. The trash company surely is, and the cable company is, unless you want to pay for extra equipment and sign a multi-year contract for your cable/internet/phone. And I don't.

So, I find it funny when one of the companies makes a big change. We're essentially helpless against any changes they might want to make. So why are they so coy with their language?

Click to embiggen

Here is the message from Cox Cable, verbatim:

"Dear Cox Customer,


Ready for a better HD experience? Starting August 9, 2011, your HD channels are moving from the 700s to the 1000s--making it even easier to find your favorite shows."

Really? Easier? Because it is somehow easier to punch in four digits rather than three? Sure. Then there's the trash company. Here is their note, again, verbatim:

"Your neighborhood collection days are changing to better provide service in the community"

No, I don't think that's the reason. Because before, we had a two-days-per-week trash pickup, and now we'll have a two-days-per-week trash pickup. The service will be exactly the same, just on different days. 


I suppose they're just trying to be nice. They don't have to be, obviously. But do they have to lie to us to make us feel better?

Keith Olbermann's Special Comment on Osama Bin Laden's Death

It's easy to forget about Keith Olbermann, even though he's only been off the air for a couple of months. But he's still around, with his cleverly named "FOK News Channel," with FOK standing for "friends of Keith." Soon enough, Olbermann will debut on Al Gore's Current TV, a channel we don't get here in Las Vegas Cox Cable. But, given the extraordinary high cost of my cable package, I may just have to switch to Centurylink's Prism service, which does carry Current. I'll get to watch Keith, I'll get a reduction--at least for six months--in my monthly bills, and I can review it on the blog. Hey, I just think I made the decision!

Look Out, Oprah: The Glenn Beck Channel May be Coming!

Image from NY Times

Oh, the mind wobbles, doesn't it? Glenn Beck taking over a cable channel? 24-hours of Beck? Well, MTV isn't doing anything worthwhile. SyFy seems to have lost any identity it had, and VH1 has been so many things, it's probably due for another. I'd like to come up with a clever name for it, something so wacky it could never really happen. But I just can't conjure up something stranger than a 24-hour Glenn Beck Channel.

[Excerpt]

Glenn Beck Contemplates Starting Own Channel




The possibility that Glenn Beck will exit the Fox News Channel at the end of the year has prompted a big question in media circles: if he leaves, how will he bring his considerable audience with him? . . .

Read more at: New York Times

The Walking Dead Finale

Image from source, TV Squad

I'm having a bit of trouble getting into the blogging mood, but I wanted to put up a fresh post to start the week. I'm going to have to get over it too, because I need to pre-write a few posts to "seed" the blog while I'm away on my trip to Ohio. Stupid Monkey Planet will be filling in to, so that'll take a little of the pressure off.

Anyway, I thought I'd put up a piece on the premature season finale of The Walking Dead, my newest favorite show. And while I court the danger of invoking The Greenlee Curse by even talking about a good show, I think TWD is strong enough to take it, unless the hiatus is too long, or the eventual second season mucks it up.  So far though, I'm really enjoying the show, and I have lots of company.  Now, hopefully the return of V next month can avoid my cancellation curse, and build a similar following.

[Excerpt]

How Genre Guts Made 'The Walking Dead's' First Season (and Finale) So Lively



. . .To put it in terms that even the undead might understand, 'The Walking Dead' has a crunchy zombie coating but a chewy nougat center made up of enticing genre elements that echo shows like 'The X-Files' and 'Star Trek. . .'
 
Read more at: TV Squad

Blast from the Past: I Want My Cable TV!

Last weekend, because of the Thanksgiving holiday, I really wasn't on my blogging game, and skipped my weekly Blast from the Past feature. This weekend, I almost skipped it again, because I was at a loss for what to post. But while watching the season finale of The Walking Dead (Only six episodes? Really?) on AMC, I started thinking about how much television has changed. The whole television experience is quite different from the days when I grew up.

My mom to this day--even though she has fully-loaded satellite tv--still mostly watches network television. In fact, she still refers to them as 4, 6 and 10, the channels available over the air . If I say "ABC" or "CBS," she won't know which one I mean unless I say "6" or "10."  You basically had three choices when I was a kid, unless you were watching PBS, or one of the handful of "basic" cable channels. Until I was a teenager, I don't think we ever had more channels than 2 through 13, though we did get a box from Radio Shack that let us "borrow" a couple more!  We were able to glean from that little box a nifty movie service called "TeleCinema." Some people across town were able to get the experimental "Qube" from Warner that let them talk back to their TVs with a wired jumbo remote.  But we never dreamed of the HDTV/DVR/OnDemand selections we have today. Somehow though, doesn't it seem like there is still nothing good on when you're bored?

1. HBO - HBO was probably the first sign of things to come, and this clip used to open every "big movie" presentation. It seemed quite high-tech at the time.

2. CNN - A weird idea at a time when everyone got their news from the three networks in half-hour doses, the 24-hour news station is still with us, even if it has been eclipsed by the not news FOX "News". This is a clip from the show Crossfire, which may be responsible for creating an environment to make FOX possible. Plus Frank Zappa was cool.

3. Warner-Amex Qube - This is that experimental project that I was always so jealous that we couldn't get. 

4. MTV - Arriving at precisely the right time for me (I was 15 when it debuted in 1981), MTV was a cultural juggernaut. It also enshrined horrible 80s fashion forever.  Now, they are a reality show channel, but back in the day, they changed the face of music. 

And as they say on CNN, we're going to have to leave it there. My Blast from the Pasts are usually 8 clips long, but I think my post-Thanksgiving, pre-trip home for an early Christmas vacation brains are squelching my blogging bug.

The Walking Dead Brings Zombies to Life

Image from AMC

Since before Halloween, I've indulged in sort of a stop-and-go marathon of horror movies in general, and zombie movies in particular. I've had a weak spot for zombies since I watched Night of the Living Dead at the drive-in double-feature (Mom thought I was asleep!). It freaked me out then, and I've even been known to have a zombie dream or two. But the whole point of scary movies is to scare you, right? And it's a rare one that does.

So when it was announced that The Walking Dead was going to be a new TV series about zombies, I was thrilled. I didn't even know that it was a successful comic book series (I'm a comic book nut too, but lapsed). Since it was going to be aired on AMC, I had a feeling it was going to be good.  Turns out, it's not only good, it's pretty great. And popular too, at least so far.  So, I was disheartened when at the conclusion of Sunday night's third episode, they said "there are only three episodes left this season. . ." WTF? Are you kidding me?

Now, I know that cable series are usually shortened compared to network programs. Like most British shows, a "season" or "series" only lasts six, eight, ten or so episodes. If you're lucky, they go all the way to 13 in a series. A trend in the last couple of years has made it even worse, breaking an already short season in two. They did it with Nip/Tuck, Eureka and Battlestar Galactica, and those are just the ones I'm familiar with.  In theory, shortened seasons cull out the weak "filler" episodes, and only provide good, meaty stuff.  I suppose that's true.

Anyway, I'm incredibly impressed with The Walking Dead so far.  The story started out very much like (the not technically zombie movie) 28 Days Later, with our hero waking up in a deserted hospital.  A wounded police officer, he wakes up to a world that has been decimated by zombies.  He pretty quickly ascertains what's going on, even if it takes him a while to find clothes and shoes (not that I'm complaining). A man and a boy help him, and eventually he sets out for Atlanta, believing there will be help there. Not so much. But he happens upon some survivors, and teams up with them. They have a camp in the country, with an assortment of other refugees.  There are many character types and races of people, not all of them particularly savory. If anyone thinks this is a biblical allegory of "the end times," then God has a funny way of picking who gets to survive.

The Walking Dead is essentially a drama set into a horror movie. The continuing stories are every bit as soap opraish as, say, Brothers and Sisters. If the Walker clan had to deal with the undead.  I guess you could call it a "lope opera." Do you think that will catch on? So, I'm hooked. Thoroughly hooked. And very annoyed by the six-episode season length. As long as AMC doesn't pull a "returns in January 2012," I suppose I can deal. But we zombie hounds are going to be ravenous if they make us wait that long.

Movie Review: Hit and Run

Image from Wikipedia

Every couple of weeks, I try to use the On Demand feature of my cable box, to help justify the cost of my exorbitant monthly fee. Every week, the various channels have a helpful "Just In!" listing, but usually there isn't a lot that interests me. So, I'll drill down the list in the hopes that something jumps out at me. This weekend, I took a chance on a 2008 movie called Hit and Run, which was listed as a thriller.  The synopsis said it was about a girl who goes out drinking, and then goes home, only to find (later) that there is a man impaled on the bumper of her Jeep. Okay, I'm in! (Here there may be spoilers.)

I used to drive a Jeep, and the girl in the movie drove a similar (though older one), making the setup very relatable.  I don't make it a habit to drive drunk--quite the opposite, actually--but in the nine years I owned the Jeep, did I ever drive when I probably shouldn't have?  Nothing jumps immediately to mind, but probably. Luckily, I never hit anything in such a state. In fact, I never hit anything at all at any time in those nine years. Guess I'm due.

Anyway, the film starts out with the girl's night at the bar, and then the long (very long) drive to her house. The credit sequence is very splashy, which is weird. And the "near miss" she thinks she had along the way, and the unobstructed headlight spray from her Jeep made her unknown "hit and run" rather implausible.  The girl's behavior afterward to cover up her actions are also a little over-the-top.

Things calm down a bit, and her marginally ethical boyfriend decides to help her. And then he doesn't, then does again.  Boyfriend gets iced by the presumed dead victim, and hereafter, the film makes no sense whatsoever.  We find out via a news report that the victim was bipolar. So is the movie. It veers wildly from scenes of relative--if tense--calm, to outrageously manic.  Our bipolar victim becomes mindless killer, seemingly indestructible. He is also somehow all-knowing, aware of the girl's identity, address, and phone numbers.

Countless wild rides in the Jeep go to-and-fro, with the victim and the girl alternately having the advantage. Several return trips are made to the scene of the crime, and my finger hovered over the "stop" button many times. I should've gone with that impulse.  There was no one to root for in this movie, not the girl, her boyfriend, the victim or even his family.  The girl turned out to be somewhat indestructible (and bonkers) herself, surviving a severe bite, multiple stabbings, and a long ride strapped to her own bumper (which was rammed at least once into another car).  To top it off, it was obvious that the ending was trimmed to exclude the survival of the victim, just by the slow zoom to the one good eye he had left. His eye didn't open, but I'm positive they filmed it.

I thought when I started typing this review that there might be something coming that would tie this film together. I thought they might explain how the girl was found out. Nope.  The movie just gets worse and worse, and at times reminded me of the abysmally bad Truth or Dare? A Critical Madness, the low-rent, cult 80s slasher movie.  This one doesn't even merit "so bad, it's good" status.

Avoid at all costs.

DVRs, On-Demand, and Profit

Image from source, TVSquad

We have an outrageously high cable bill here at Chez Greenlee, what with the bundled cable TV/internet/digital phone package. We've also got the HDTV box and most of the premium channels, and the On-Demand roster of programs to choose from. But the best $10 we spend on the package is the DVR.  I hear that people love their Tivos, but the standard Cox Cable one works for me.  It's great to let a program record for a little while, joining in to watch about 20 minutes in. That way, you can zip right through the commercials.  But that little luxury might be coming to an end.

Why? There's no profit in it.  The more people view their favorite shows on DVR, the fewer commercials get watched.  With On-Demand and online video, there are usually a limited number of commercials that you can't skip. This isn't really too bad, since you don't have to slog through three minutes of product pitches when you watch that way. But if they disable fast-forwarding on DVRs, we'll have no choice. 

One thing that isn't mentioned in the excerpted article below is something they've already done, at least on our particular model of cable box.  They recently upgraded the software (the old version looked about as sophisticated as the old Prodigy online service), which changed the way the DVR works.  You can still fast-forward in multiple speeds, but stopping it where you want has become a whole lot trickier.  The faster you go, the more likely it is that you'll be catapulted backward about 30 seconds.  More often than not, you catch at least part of the last commercial before the show comes back.  Maybe they could charge a premium for that last slot?

[Excerpt]

'Hawaii Five-0' Premiere the Most DVR'd of All Time, But It Doesn't Really Matter



As DVR penetration continues to grow, at around 40 percent now, its presence gives one rookie show something to crow about. In a season where there are no breakout stars among the newcomers, it's something to note that the premiere of CBS's 'Hawaii Five-0' is now the most DVR'd show of all time, according to The Washington Post. . .

Read more at: TVSquad

So, I Watched Hot in Cleveland

Image from News TV Online

While surfing the internets this Saturday night, I switched on the tube (can we still call flat panels "the tube?"), which was still set to TVLand, where I was watching Roseanne the night before.  That bit with Dan and the spoiled milk still kills me. Anyway, I happened to tune in at the first episode of Hot in Cleveland, which turned out to be playing a marathon. I decided to leave it there.

I only half-watched the first episode, but the premise is apparently that three slightly-past middle aged women were flying to Paris from Los Angeles, and had a forced landing in Cleveland, Ohio. . .where they decided to stay.  Shaky, right?  And the house they rent comes with a "caretaker," the suddenly hot again Betty White.  Jane Leeves (Frasier) plays a former beautician to the stars, Wendie Malick (Just Shoot Me) plays a Susan Lucci-like star of a just cancelled soap opera, and Valerie Bertinelli is an author of a best-selling fad book. They're all single, and on the prowl (insert cougar joke here).  Betty White supplies the ribald little-old-lady humor.

The show is stock sitcom, and at first feels quite forced, and just barely funny.  As the series progresses, it does get better, as you get to know the characters, and the chemistry starts to gel.  I'm several episodes in (right now the one with Bertinelli's son is on), and it still isn't great, but it is good.  The laugh track (which we are assured is at least in part a "live studio audience") is annoying, as it can be on many sitcoms, especially if you're not giving it your full attention.  But every member of the cast is a sitcom pro, and that shines through, lifting what could be mediocre material.

Most sitcoms go through a flat period in their first seasons.  The Big Bang Theory took half a season to really click for me.  The funny thing is, after you become enamored with a show like that, you can rewatch the early episodes and enjoy them more for knowing the characters better.  Maybe Hot in Cleveland, if it goes on for several more seasons, will be like that. 

One thing the show will remind you of--and not just for the presence of Betty White--is The Golden Girls.  It has the three older women with the wiseacre really older woman, largely set in a house, often in the kitchen.  But it's also a subversion of the older show.  Bertinelli and Leeves are pushing 50, and Malick is nearly 60.  But these ladies look nothing like the retirees on The Golden Girls. 

There was a time when women in their forties and fifties looked old.  That's not intended to be insulting. When I was a kid in the 70s, one of my grandmas was in her late 40s, and one was in her mid-50s.  They wore old lady clothes, they wore old lady glasses, and they had old lady hairdos.  It seemed almost all women in their age bracket did the same.  Then in the 80s, women started to push that trend aside. Remember Linda Evans (Dynasty) saying "forty isn't fatal?"  And her co-star, Joan Collins, was in her 50s, and posing naked for Playboy!  They didn't look like old ladies, but they still looked older.

In Hot in Cleveland, Leeves and especially Bertinelli could easily pass for early 40s--and very good early 40s at that.  Malick, who I've enjoyed in every role I've seen her in, wouldn't be pegged any higher than very early 50s.  These ladies really look terrific, and the storylines--while playfully playing with the aging issue--are nowhere near the "retirees" vibe of The Golden Girls.  And 25 years after that older show began, here's Betty White, still going strong.

I'm not sure I'll make Hot in Cleveland a regular viewing habit. But if I land on TVLand and it's on, I'll watch.  If season two continues the improvements made along the first's run, it may get a regular spot on my DVR.

Sarah Palin's Alaska!

Couldn't resist. . .