Conspiracy Corner: My Thoughts on the Birthers

Image from Wonkette

If you don't watch cable "news," or read the blogs very much, you might not yet have stumbled upon the conspiracy theorists known (sometimes derisively) as "birthers." I've written about them before of course. They're the ones who were very disturbed by the peaceful transition of power from the George W. Bush era to Barack Obama. Hey, I was as surprised as anyone, figuring that Bush/Cheney/Rove would come up with something, anything to hold on to power. But I digress. . .

These are the "Obama's an Arab/Mulim/Muslin/Manchurian Candidate/Socialist/Marxist/Communist/Fascist" people, and they were mightily vexed that America could or would elect a black guy. If you think otherwise, you're kidding yourself. So, they assign all of those labels to him, and maintain that he only could have been elected with the help of ACORN and dead people, and oh yeah, he lied to the rest of us, fooling us into voting for him. But there's icing on their demented little cake.

Through a series of suppositions and wild conclusions, they maintain that Obama is not a "natural born citizen," and is thus ineligible for the Presidency. They basically want his Presidency annulled. Most of this hinges on the fact that there hasn't been a public airing of his original "long form" birth certificate. Never mind that he has a passport, had an American mother, was sworn in as an Illinois state senator and as a US senator. Never mind that there was a birth announcement in 1961 less than a week after he was born. No matter what argument or piece of evidence is presented, they swat it down, and add another layer to their conspiracy theory.

Like any conspiracy theory though, the thing starts to fall apart when the theorists can't keep their allegations and conclusions straight. Various claims have him being born in Kenya, Indonesia, Canada and the Pacific Ocean. They claim various alleged dual citizenships in other countries, and travels to places that were supposedly barred to Americans. They claim that Obama could obtain his long form certificate for $8, $10, $12 or $15. They claim that Obama has spent a million, two million or "millions" of dollars to pay a fleet of lawyers to keep it all covered up. But nowhere--at least not that I can find--are those claims verifiable.

The one thing they are consistent on, is that they say if Obama would simply show them the long form (I'm assuming to each one of them individually), this "would all go away." Like hell it would. No other bit of evidence has convinced them, not the State of Hawaii's verification, not FactCheck.org, not even people on their own side of the political aisle who dismiss the claim. They would contend that it was phony, and you can bet on that.

Further speculation is spent on why he won't show it. And here they are all over the place. But I can come up with a few reasons myself. Here are some of my best guesses.

• He doesn't have it, and Hawaii can't produce it. Certainly possible after 48 years.

• He doesn't feel the need, since what he's already provided satisfied Congress and others.

• There's something big or small on the certificate that he doesn't want to release to the public such as:
- Maybe Mom & Dad weren't yet officially married

- Maybe there was something embarrassing like an STD (they used to ask that)

- Maybe his Doctor's name was Damien Thorne, or his weight was 6.66 pounds

- Maybe a mistake was made, like the F box was checked instead of M

- Maybe his original name was misspelled or weirder than Barack Hussein Obama (unlikely)

- Maybe there was a notation "that's one goofy looking kid" or something

• He'd rather let the birthers go about ranting, making the GOP look like a big bag of crazy

I'm thinking that last one is the closest to the truth.