Man About to be Laid Off, Needs a Job

Do you ever get those emails that are passed around with dire warnings about politicians or governmental policies? Usually, I groan, roll my eyes, and do a Snopes.com search. Then I send the inevitable "false" page to the sender--and they never respond. But I get a chance to feel smugly satisfied.

I got a similar email from The Outlaw, urging me to look over this man's resume, as he is about to be laid off and needs a job. While there may be things in here that are exaggerated for effect, that is true of most job resumes, isn't it? And since I don't send mass emails, I thought I'd pop it up on the blog and see if anybody has an opening this man might fit.

[Resume follows]

GEORGE W. BUSH
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, DC 20520

EDUCATION AND EXPERIENCE:

College: I graduated from Yale University with a low C average. I was a cheerleader.

Military: My father helped me join the Texas Air National Guard where I went AWOL. I refused to take a drug test or answer any questions about my drug use. By joining the Texas Air National Guard, I was able to avoid combat duty in Vietnam.

Law Enforcement: I was arrested in Kennebunkport, Maine, in 1976 for driving under the influence of alcohol. I plead guilty, paid a fine, and had my driver's license suspended for 30 days. My Texas driving record has been "lost" and are not available.

PAST WORK EXPERIENCE:

• I ran for U.S. Congress and lost.
• I began my career in the oil business in Midland, Texas, in 1975. I bought an oil company, but couldn't find any oil in Texas. The company went bankrupt shortly after I sold all my stock.
• I bought the Texas Rangers baseball team in a sweetheart deal that took land using taxpayer money.
• With the help of my father and our friends in the oil industry (including Enron CEO Ken Lay), I was elected governor of Texas.
  

ACCOMPLISHMENTS AS GOVERNOR OF TEXAS:

• I changed Texas pollution laws to favor power and oil companies, making Texas the most polluted state in the Union. During my tenure, Houston replaced Los Angeles as the most smog-ridden city in America.
• I cut taxes and bankrupted the Texas treasury to the tune of billions in borrowed money.
• I set the record for the most executions by any governor in American history.
• With the help of my brother, the governor of Florida, and my father's appointments to the Supreme Court, I became President of the United States, after losing by over 500,000 votes.

CONTINUED



ACCOMPLISHMENTS AS PRESIDENT:

• I am the first President in U.S. history to enter office with a criminal record.
  I invaded and occupied two countries at an ongoing taxpayer cost of over one billion dollars per week.
• I spent the U.S. surplus and effectively bankrupted the U.S. Treasury.
• I shattered the record for the largest annual deficit in U.S. history.
• I set an economic record for most private bankruptcies filed in any 12-month period.
• I set the all-time record for most home foreclosures in a 12-month period.
• I set the all-time record for the biggest drop in the history of the U.S. stock market. In my first year in office, over 2 million Americans lost their jobs.
• I'm proud that the members of my cabinet are the richest of any administration in U.S. history.
• My "poorest millionaire," Condoleezza Rice, has a Chevron oil tanker named after her.
• I set the record for most campaign fund-raising trips by a U.S. President.
• I am the all-time U.S. and world record -holder for receiving the most corporate campaign donations.
• My largest lifetime campaign contributor, and one of my best friends, Kenneth Lay, presided over the largest corporate bankruptcy fraud in U.S. history, Enron. He's now dead.
• My political party used Enron private jets and corporate attorneys to assure my success with the U.S. Supreme Court during my election decision.
• I have protected my friends at Enron and Halliburton against investigation or prosecution. More time and money was spent investigating the Monica Lewinsky affair than has been spent investigating one of the biggest corporate rip-offs in history. I presided over the biggest energy crisis in U.S. history and refused to intervene when corruption involving the oil industry was revealed.
• I presided over the highest gasoline prices in U.S. history.
• I changed the U.S. policy to allow convicted criminals to be awarded government contracts.
• I appointed more convicted criminals to my administration than any President in U.S. history.
• I created the Department of Homeland Security, the largest bureaucracy in the history of the United States Government.
• I've broken more international treaties than any President in U.S. history.
• I am the first President in U.S. history to have the United Nations remove the U.S. from the Human Rights Commission.
• I withdrew the U.S. from the World Court of Law.
• I refused to allow inspector's access to U.S. "prisoners of war" detainees and have refused to abide by the Geneva Convention.
• I am the first President in history to refuse United Nations election inspectors (during the 2002 US election).
• I set the record for fewest numbers of press conferences of any President since the advent of television.
• I set the all-time record for most days on vacation in any one-year period. After taking off the entire month of August, I presided over the worst security failure in U.S. history.
• I garnered the most sympathy ever for the U.S. after the World Trade Center attacks and less than a year later made the U.S. the most hated country in the world, the largest failure of diplomacy in world history.
• I have set the all-time record for most people worldwide to simultaneously protest me in public venues (15 million people), shattering the record for protests against any person in the history of mankind.
• I am the first President in U.S. history to order an unprovoked, pre-emptive attack and the military occupation of a sovereign nation. I did so against the will of the United Nations, the majority of U.S. Citizens and the world community.
• I have cut health care benefits to veterans and support a cut in duty benefits for active duty troops and their families in wartime.
• In my State of the Union Address, I lied about our reasons for attacking Iraq and then blamed the lies on our British friends.
• I am supporting development of a nuclear "Tactical Bunker Buster," a WMD.
• I have failed to fulfill my pledge to bring Osama Bin Laden to justice "dead or alive".
  

RECORDS AND REFERENCES:

• All records of my tenure as governor of Texas are now in my father's library, sealed and unavailable for public view.
• All records of SEC investigations into my insider trading and my bankrupt companies are sealed and unavailable for public view.
• All records or minutes from meetings that I, or my Vice-President, attended regarding public energy policy are sealed and unavailable for public review. I have specified that my sealed documents not be available for 50 years.