Stupid Gay Monkeys & Alternative Lifestyles

Posted by Stupid Monkey Planet

Whilst Jamie's gone away I thought we should take the opportunity to talk about him & his "alternative lifestyle"... behind his back, of course.

Jamie & I have been friends for over 10 years. We first met at our mutual the workplace. He & I were both graphic artists for the same company, sharing the same office & artistic ideas together. I knew Jamie was gay as soon as I said "Hi" to him. I don't think he knew I knew though. I didn't care, never have.

We worked well together & got to know a bit about each other... small talk mostly. But I could tell he was still concerned about what I might think about his "alternative lifestyle" choice. I really could understand why though, if you were to see me. My appearance lends itself to more of a short angry gorilla with earrings, tattoos, shaven head, cloven feet, goatee, horns & I am 100% she-monkey lovin' straight. Sort of like an embodiment of Satan lite. I am sure I looked like I would go ape-shit redneck on him if he announced his love for the same sex type. Obviously, that was not the case.

One day I figured out a way to acknowledge Jamie's gaydom & my accepting of it by asking if he was going to some faggy rainbow concert over the weekend... I forget which one. He said, "Yes." It was then a beginning to a beautiful "alternative friendship".

Jamie is the type of evolved monkey that has a big, juicy, intelligent brain... containing files of wisdom, a deep well of knowledge, the vocabulary to eloquently translate his thoughts to you & a wonderful sense of humor. I love & respect that Queer Ape... and I will always be a monkey he can count on.

Now, time for an Angry Monkey Rant.

I do not understand what the big f*cking deal with being gay is? It is a normalcy throughout nature. Birds do it, bees do it, dolphins, whales, penguins, dogs, cats, ducks, Greeks, cowboys, congressmen & of course monkeys do it! (The list does go on by the way, name a species... I bet you find some antique shops there...)

You're gay!? She's gay!? He's bi!? Who cares? So what? How does that possibly effect you? Sit there for one minute silently... Did the gays get you? Do you feel gayer all of the sudden? Hankerin' for show tunes got ya? See... what difference does it make? None, nada, zilch, zero.

Being gay is made out to be like one of those old zombie flicks. They emerge from the ground, they hunt humans relentlessly... OH NO! Don't let one bite (or suck) you.. or you will surely become one. Craving the taste of human flesh until someone shoots you in the face with a shotgun. Give me a f*cking break! Alternative lifestyle, my red monkey ass.

Let me describe what the I believe the most "alternative lifestyle" really is... You're a man or a woman married only once; you love your spouse; you've never been unfaithful; you're never to be divorced; you will spend the rest of your matrimonial monkey life together, happy. If you meet all of these parameters, you are leading an alternative lifestyle.

Try it on a room full of people... keep standing if you can say... blah, blah, blah... Look at who is left upright. One thing is for sure... all of the sudden there will be a lot more gay monkeys in the room.

Get used to it.